Archive for January, 2010

By the time we decided to have our picture taken atop the ski mountain, my toes were near frozen — this, despite the toe warmers in my ski boots. That’s my excuse for why I started to slide backwards on my skis right when my brother, Scott, was about to snap a photo of my son, Chris, and me: (more…)

1. You no longer know the TV schedule from 2-6 a.m. by heart.
2. Your doctor gives you the “green light” for sex, but you ask for a flashing yellow.
3. Your toddler is using your postpartum donut as a hat – and you don’t care.
4. Baby lotion commercials just aren’t the tearjerkers they were a few weeks ago.
5. You’ve stopped calling the baby’s bouts of colic, “The Devil’s Visiting Hours.”
6. Your sitz bath is under your husband’s car, full of motor oil.
7. You can see your ankles again, and boy do they need a good shave.
8. You’re wearing shoes. And pants – with pockets!
9. The baby finally smiles – and you smile back.
10. It’s midnight and you’re spamming baby pictures across the Internet – again.

Coming in May! Preorder now at Amazon:

 Jen Singer’s “Stop Second-Guessing Yourself books have a thank-goodness-I’m-not-the-only-one tone while also offering practical advice for whatever parenting challenges may arise.” — Baby Center

“Jen has bestowed us with the rare parenting guides that actually give parents the shot of confidence we need to survive another day. ” — Cool Mom Picks

Momma went away. Momma went away without the kids, without the husband.  Momma almost went away without the plane (or rather, vice versa), but I didn manage to make it to the gate on time nevertheless.

It’s not like I’d never traveled before, like I’d never been to Newark Airport. Excuse me, “Newark Liberty International Airport.” And yet, there I was, missing my turn for the off-site parking lot and heading toward Port Newark, which would have been handy only if I was planning to board a petroleum tanker. But they don’t sail to Kansas City, and that’s where I was trying to go last week. (more…)

I just got back from Kansas City last night, so while I play catch-up, I’m going to post this classic MommaSaid post about the time I dyed my hair red. Of course, back then I had no idea I’d end up bald in a few years and longing for red hair — any hair. But it’s still a fun one. At the end, please tell us your biggest hair salon mistake…

by Jen Singer

“You look like you need a guitar,” my brother told me when he spotted my newly dyed red hair. “And leather pants.”

My hair wasn’t that red. Not Johnny Rotten red. Not “Lucy, you got some ’splainin’ to do” red. But still quite different from my usual drab postpartum brown with blond highlights. And that was the point. I wanted to be somebody else – or at least look like somebody else – so I dyed my hair red for the first time. Soon, however, I’d realize it would be the last. (more…)

Enjoy these MommaSaid classics of “The Back Fence,” funny things that happen to Mom:

Food Review

Thanks to Kim Kreis of Fairfax Station, Virginia, for this story:
Kim and her family were visiting friends. Her friend had made a nice dinner of vegetarian burritios. They all sit down for dinner when her son, Greyson, 4, starts picking at his food.
Then he blurted out, “Mom, this is horrible food.”

Mortified, Kim yanked him up from the table, left the room and gave him the polite behavior lecture. Then she told him he had to go back in, eat his dinner
and apologize to Miss Sandy.

He sat back down at the table and said, “Miss Sandy, I am sorry the dinner is so horrible.”

Free Puppies

Thanks to Kelly Beauchemin of Putnam, Connecticut, for this story:
Luke, 4, has been asking for a puppy. While Kelly love puppies and dogs, she’s explained to him that they just don’t have the time to spend with a puppy right now, and they’re expensive.

One day, in the car, he said, “Mommy, I have a great idea. I’ll take some of the money that I’ve been saving and buy YOU a puppy. What kind of puppy would you like?”

Smooth, Luke.

Potty Training

Thanks to Stephanie Savoie of St. Paul, Minnesota, for this story:
After spending a long time reading in the bathroom, and an even longer time washing his hands, Stephanie couldn’t wait any more for her 4-year-old son, Jacob, to be done.
(She really had to go.)

Right after she sat down, Jacob, who was watching her in the mirror, said, “You should stand up when you pee, Mommy.” She started telling him that Mommies had to sit. He replied, “Daddy can show you how!”

Share your funny stories with us!

In honor of MommaSaid’s 7th birthday (and also because I’ll be in Kansas City, Kansas City, here I come), I’m posting some classic MommaSaid from the days before Twitter and Facebook. Enjoy.

We are pleased to offer our guide to making your life easier, providing calculated predictions and forecasts about your children’s behavior, from sunny to surly, and warm to wild. From its humble beginnings back in 1808, the Mom’s Almanac has been outfitting mothers with the kind of information they need to get through their days (and months) with children underfoot.

General Mothering Outlook for January 

1st-3rd: Unsettled, with gusty temper tantrums blowing in just when you thought you were going to make it through that fancy gift shop – the one with the disapproving old ladies staring you down.

4th-7th: Mild and quiet, until you discover that the kids have been busy finger-painting your white cat orange, “just like Garfield, Mommy!”

8th-12th: Pleasant, especially after your little one rediscovers her dollhouse, playing with it long enough for you not only to shower, but even to condition your hair – for the first time since the 20th century.

14th-15th: Hot, when your mom takes the kids for the weekend, giving you and Hubby much needed time alone without someone in feety pajamas sleeping between you.

16th-19th: Mostly fair, except for the part where your kids get to nap, one after the other, while you struggle to stay awake until dinnertime.

20th-21st: Mixed, when somebody wants dessert but doesn’t want to eat her carrots first, followed by clearing, when you realize there are carrots in the cake, anyhow.

22nd: Changeable, because the child you call “Private Poopy Pants” will be very, very uh, productive, during your niece’s piano recital.

23rd-25th: Unseasonably mild, largely because Junior will be sucking up to you for that talking toy – the one with 236 pieces – that he wants for his birthday.

26th-28th: Unsettled, as the stomach flu rips through the house, starting with the baby and moving through the family to you – just in time for everyone else to relapse.

29th-31st: Tranquil, because everyone will finally be sleeping through the night, including you, the new puppy (What were you thinking?) and the offspring in the feety PJ’s next to you.

Enjoy some MommaSaid classics for “Just a Minute,” the funny things kids do:

Toes

Thanks to Brenda Anderson of St. Augustine, Florida, for this story:
Brenda was cleaning her sons’ bathroom when Colby, 19 months, ran in and right into a stepstool in the middle of the floor, stubbing his toes. After about 30 seconds of crying and consoling he dashed back out of the bathroom.

A minute later, Brenda heard his footsteps round the corner and come back into the bathroom. The stool was now out of the way, but Brenda said, “Watch your toes, watch your toes!” Colby abruptly stopped running and…looked down at his toes. He looked up a little confused and ran back out.

First Aid

Thanks to Amanda Gross of Suffern, New York, for this story:
Amanda’s sister Staci and their father were at her house one day, where Staci made the mistake of leaving her pocketbook on one of Amanda’s end tables in the living room. A mistake, because Amanda has a toddler in the house, Jeremy, 2.

Soon, Jeremy started rooting through his Aunt Staci’s purse. Amanda told him to get out of the pocketbook, but Staci insisted that there wasn’t anything in there for him to touch or destroy.

Just as the words left Staci’s mouth, Jeremy pulled out a panty liner and declared, “Big Band Aid!”

Then he walked over to his grandfather and placed the “big band aid” on the scar from the surgery he had on his stomach this summer.

Do you think Grandpa feels fresh and confident now?

Sweet Love

(This one is Jen Singer’s)
My first grader brought home a drawing of a gingerbread man from a story he had read in school. Under it he wrote, “I would make the gingerbread man a lady and they would fall in love.”

Aw, how sweet, I thought. I imagined my romantic son buying flowers for his wife someday…

And then I flipped over the drawing and read the back, “And then I would eat both of them.”

Never mind.

Share your funny kid stories!

Honestly, I don't know how I found time to launch this web site in the first place, but I'm glad I did. Thank you for continuing to visit. Hey, can you carry this?

Seven years ago today — tonight actually, because I hadn’t yet learned how to program HTML on my own and needed Pete to push the buttons – I posted MommaSaid.net for the very first time. It wasn’t really a blog then, but some funny stories, a few photos and the very first Housewife Award®, given to my neighbor Nancy for playing peekaboo every day at the school bus stop – behind the one and only tree. (more…)