Archive for the ‘MommaSaid Classic’ Category

For years, MommaSaid ran a series called, “Just a Minute!” featuring stories of funny things kids do (and also, say). Here are some of the classics. Please share yours in the comments!

Naming Rights
Thanks to Angela Johnson of Mission Viejo, Calfornia, for this story:

Angela and her son Eli, 4, were visiting a snack bar at a baseball field. Eli asked the mom running the grill if he could have a hot dog. The mom studied the grill and said, “Sure Eli. There’s one right here with your
name on it.”

As Eli and Angela walked away, he slowly turned his hot dog around and around on the bun. Angela asked him what was wrong. He looked at me and whispered, “Mrs. Heppert gave me the wrong one. My name’s not on here!”

Uh Oh!
Thanks to Amanda Chase of Albuquerque, New Mexico, for this story:

When Amanda brought her premature newborn home from the hospital, her two-year-old daughter noticed how tiny he was, and started to count his fingers and toes.

Then she ran to her room to get her favorite baby doll, which she laid next to her tiny brother. She proceeded to compare the eyes, nose, mouth, etc., as if she were taking inventory of all his parts. When she got to his, uh, you know, she shouted, “Uh oh, Mommy!”

Better call the doctor, huh Amanda? He’s got an extra part! (more…)

Back in the day, I could make castles out of empty boxes.

Back in the day, I used to post funny stories on MommaSaid under the heading “Potties in Heaven,” a reference to the question my son asked me when he was in pre-school: “Are there potties in heaven?” (Answer: “Yes, and there are no lines at the ladies’ room.”) For your enjoyment, I am posting some of my old favorites:

Where is it?
During a playdate at our house, I sent the boys upstairs and the lone girl to the powder room to change out of their wet bathing suits. It didn’t take long before all three boys were running around naked upstairs, shouting something about pirates. I settled them down and persuaded them to get dressed when suddenly, the girl appeared at my side.

Me: “Where’s your bathing suit?”
Girl, 6: “I put it on the couch.”

Naturally.

A Wrinkle in Time
Nicholas: “When do you get prunes?”
Me: “To eat?”
Nicholas: “No. I mean on your face.”
Me: (Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.) “Oh! You mean wrinkles?”
Nicholas: “Yeah. When do you get them?”
Me: “When your kids start asking you questions you can’t answer.”

Copy Cats
I was driving my car when Nicholas and his playdate, Andrea, started copying what I was saying.
Me: “So, Andrea. How’s school?”
Nick and Andrea: “So, Andrea. How’s school?”
Me: “Oh, are you copying me?”
Kids: “Oh, are you copying me?”
Me: “I think I’ll clean my room tonight.”
Kids: “I think I’ll clean my room tonight.”
Me: “I sure love broccoli.”
Kids: “I sure love broccoli.”
Me: “I promise to stop using my sleeve as a tissue.”
Kids: “I promise to stop using my sleeve as a tissue.”
Me: “And to put my mom up in a luxury nursing home with handsome nurses when she gets old …”
Kids: “And to put my mom up in a luxurynursing home with handsome nurses when she gets old …”

Here, Nice Doggie
When Chris, 4, returned from a playdate, he told me his friend had two dogs.
Me: “What kind of dogs?”
Chris: “A mean dog and a nice one.”

Share, share, that’s fair: What are your kids’ Potties in Heaven stories?

I just got back from Kansas City last night, so while I play catch-up, I’m going to post this classic MommaSaid post about the time I dyed my hair red. Of course, back then I had no idea I’d end up bald in a few years and longing for red hair — any hair. But it’s still a fun one. At the end, please tell us your biggest hair salon mistake…

by Jen Singer

“You look like you need a guitar,” my brother told me when he spotted my newly dyed red hair. “And leather pants.”

My hair wasn’t that red. Not Johnny Rotten red. Not “Lucy, you got some ’splainin’ to do” red. But still quite different from my usual drab postpartum brown with blond highlights. And that was the point. I wanted to be somebody else – or at least look like somebody else – so I dyed my hair red for the first time. Soon, however, I’d realize it would be the last. (more…)

Enjoy these MommaSaid classics of “The Back Fence,” funny things that happen to Mom:

Food Review

Thanks to Kim Kreis of Fairfax Station, Virginia, for this story:
Kim and her family were visiting friends. Her friend had made a nice dinner of vegetarian burritios. They all sit down for dinner when her son, Greyson, 4, starts picking at his food.
Then he blurted out, “Mom, this is horrible food.”

Mortified, Kim yanked him up from the table, left the room and gave him the polite behavior lecture. Then she told him he had to go back in, eat his dinner
and apologize to Miss Sandy.

He sat back down at the table and said, “Miss Sandy, I am sorry the dinner is so horrible.”

Free Puppies

Thanks to Kelly Beauchemin of Putnam, Connecticut, for this story:
Luke, 4, has been asking for a puppy. While Kelly love puppies and dogs, she’s explained to him that they just don’t have the time to spend with a puppy right now, and they’re expensive.

One day, in the car, he said, “Mommy, I have a great idea. I’ll take some of the money that I’ve been saving and buy YOU a puppy. What kind of puppy would you like?”

Smooth, Luke.

Potty Training

Thanks to Stephanie Savoie of St. Paul, Minnesota, for this story:
After spending a long time reading in the bathroom, and an even longer time washing his hands, Stephanie couldn’t wait any more for her 4-year-old son, Jacob, to be done.
(She really had to go.)

Right after she sat down, Jacob, who was watching her in the mirror, said, “You should stand up when you pee, Mommy.” She started telling him that Mommies had to sit. He replied, “Daddy can show you how!”

Share your funny stories with us!

In honor of MommaSaid’s 7th birthday (and also because I’ll be in Kansas City, Kansas City, here I come), I’m posting some classic MommaSaid from the days before Twitter and Facebook. Enjoy.

We are pleased to offer our guide to making your life easier, providing calculated predictions and forecasts about your children’s behavior, from sunny to surly, and warm to wild. From its humble beginnings back in 1808, the Mom’s Almanac has been outfitting mothers with the kind of information they need to get through their days (and months) with children underfoot.

General Mothering Outlook for January 

1st-3rd: Unsettled, with gusty temper tantrums blowing in just when you thought you were going to make it through that fancy gift shop – the one with the disapproving old ladies staring you down.

4th-7th: Mild and quiet, until you discover that the kids have been busy finger-painting your white cat orange, “just like Garfield, Mommy!”

8th-12th: Pleasant, especially after your little one rediscovers her dollhouse, playing with it long enough for you not only to shower, but even to condition your hair – for the first time since the 20th century.

14th-15th: Hot, when your mom takes the kids for the weekend, giving you and Hubby much needed time alone without someone in feety pajamas sleeping between you.

16th-19th: Mostly fair, except for the part where your kids get to nap, one after the other, while you struggle to stay awake until dinnertime.

20th-21st: Mixed, when somebody wants dessert but doesn’t want to eat her carrots first, followed by clearing, when you realize there are carrots in the cake, anyhow.

22nd: Changeable, because the child you call “Private Poopy Pants” will be very, very uh, productive, during your niece’s piano recital.

23rd-25th: Unseasonably mild, largely because Junior will be sucking up to you for that talking toy – the one with 236 pieces – that he wants for his birthday.

26th-28th: Unsettled, as the stomach flu rips through the house, starting with the baby and moving through the family to you – just in time for everyone else to relapse.

29th-31st: Tranquil, because everyone will finally be sleeping through the night, including you, the new puppy (What were you thinking?) and the offspring in the feety PJ’s next to you.

Enjoy some MommaSaid classics for “Just a Minute,” the funny things kids do:

Toes

Thanks to Brenda Anderson of St. Augustine, Florida, for this story:
Brenda was cleaning her sons’ bathroom when Colby, 19 months, ran in and right into a stepstool in the middle of the floor, stubbing his toes. After about 30 seconds of crying and consoling he dashed back out of the bathroom.

A minute later, Brenda heard his footsteps round the corner and come back into the bathroom. The stool was now out of the way, but Brenda said, “Watch your toes, watch your toes!” Colby abruptly stopped running and…looked down at his toes. He looked up a little confused and ran back out.

First Aid

Thanks to Amanda Gross of Suffern, New York, for this story:
Amanda’s sister Staci and their father were at her house one day, where Staci made the mistake of leaving her pocketbook on one of Amanda’s end tables in the living room. A mistake, because Amanda has a toddler in the house, Jeremy, 2.

Soon, Jeremy started rooting through his Aunt Staci’s purse. Amanda told him to get out of the pocketbook, but Staci insisted that there wasn’t anything in there for him to touch or destroy.

Just as the words left Staci’s mouth, Jeremy pulled out a panty liner and declared, “Big Band Aid!”

Then he walked over to his grandfather and placed the “big band aid” on the scar from the surgery he had on his stomach this summer.

Do you think Grandpa feels fresh and confident now?

Sweet Love

(This one is Jen Singer’s)
My first grader brought home a drawing of a gingerbread man from a story he had read in school. Under it he wrote, “I would make the gingerbread man a lady and they would fall in love.”

Aw, how sweet, I thought. I imagined my romantic son buying flowers for his wife someday…

And then I flipped over the drawing and read the back, “And then I would eat both of them.”

Never mind.

Share your funny kid stories!