Archive for the ‘MommaSaid Classic’ Category

Well, it’s Friday and I don’t have a Freebie Friday lined up, largely because I have no idea how it got to be Friday so fast. But don’t worry: I have something free for you. It’s a classic blog from Good Housekeeping that people loved the first time it posted. So, here’s your freebie for this Friday:

I remember sitting on chairs in my driveway that frightening Tuesday afternoon, watching our kids play while my friend Lynn and I listened to the radio for the latest news on the World Trade Center terrorist attacks. Lynn was waiting to hear what had happened to her cousin, a Staten Island firefighter who was among the first to respond to the scene that morning. I was wondering what to tell my children. The world, it seemed, was falling apart.

Lynn and I didn’t know what else to do. We couldn’t – wouldn’t – watch the news. Not in front of our kids, who were all preschoolers at the time. So we did what we often did on warm, sunny afternoons: We had a playdate.

Our sons – between us, four of them– oblivious to what was happening just 30 miles from my house, tooled around the driveway on tricycles and ride-on toys, stopping now and then for snacks and bathroom breaks. Lynn and I opened juice boxes, adjusted bike helmets and kissed boo-boos, occasionally turning up the radio for a news update. We noticed that there were no airplanes in the sky. (more…)

I wrote this last year for GoodHousekeeping.com, where I had a blog for two years. I still get e-mails from Fabien, and my brother and I still haven’t visited Flûte. But we dream, mes amis. We dream.

When I get e-mails from Fabien, it feels like I’m hearing from an alternate world where the Champagne flows, knowledge of the French language is helpful and the people seem to be unaware that there’s a big recession going on. Oh, how I want to go there. (more…)

I wrote this one last year for Good Housekeeping, but it still holds very true. Here’s one for the moms.

Somehow, I didn’t feel guilty. I was walking down a Manhattan street on my way to dinner with some friends who were attending the same writer’s conference where I was scheduled to speak the next morning, and talking on the phone. (more…)

Apollo Ohno in our kitchen after the 2006 Winter Olympics. We didn't reuse those paper plates.

I’ve gone back a few years to find these classic “Back Fence” stories, crazy things that happen to Mom and Dad:

Free Puppies
Thanks to Kelly Beauchemin of Putnam, Connecticut, for this story:

Luke, 4, has been asking for a puppy. While Kelly love puppies and dogs, she’s explained to him that they just don’t have the time to spend with a puppy right now, and they’re expensive.

One day, in the car, he said, “Mommy, I have a great idea. I’ll take some of the money that I’ve been saving and buy YOU a puppy. What kind of puppy would you like?”

Smooth, Luke.

Orders
Thanks to Laura Lundy of Nelson, British Columbia, Canada, for this story:
One morning at Tim Horton’s, Canada’s version of Dunkin’ Donuts, the sales clerk asked for Laura’s order. James, 5, offered up, “My dad would like a beer!”

Food Review
Thanks to Kim Kreis of Fairfax Station, Virginia, for this story:

Kim and her family were visiting friends. Her friend had made a nice dinner of vegetarian burritios. They all sat down for dinner when her son, Greyson, 4, started picking at his food.

Then he blurted out, “Mom, this is horrible food.”

Mortified, Kim yanked him up from the table, left the room and gave him the polite behavior lecture.

Then she told him he had to go back in, eat his dinner and apologize to Miss Sandy.

He sat back down at the table and said, “Miss Sandy, I am sorry the dinner is so horrible.”

And from Jen Singer’s personal stash:

Open Windows
The following is a conversation between my friend and her neighbor:

Friend: (Sheepish) Did you hear me yelling at my kids last night?

Neighbor: (Horrified) No, why? Did you hear me?

Home, Sweet Home
Nicholas (age 4): “Why don’t you go to work and Daddy stays home?”

Me: “Because Daddy wouldn’t last a day at home.”

Daddy: “Try an hour and a half.”

100 Things
I was helping out at my son’s school one afternoon with another class mom. We were quietly cleaning things in the sink, while the teacher led the class in a discussion.

Teacher: “Okay, class. Can you tell me something in your house that there are 100 of?”
Me (under my breath): “One hundred dust bunnies.”

Other mom: “One hundred dog hairs.”

Share, share, that’s fair: What’s your funny it-happened-to-me story?

Now that I’ve got a teen in the house, I thought it would be fun to go back to the early days of MommaSaid and remember what my boys were like when they wore light-up sneakers. Here are some MommaSaid Classics from “Potties in Heaven” (because my son asked me if there were any:

The Short Form
Nicholas (age 5): “Mommy, do taxes hurt?”
Mom (age 30-something; I’ve lost track): “Yes, Nicholas. Yes they do.”

Achoo!
One day, I sneezed while driving my mini-van, but no one in the back seat said a word. So I said, “What do you say when someone sneezes?” And Chris, age 3, answered, “It’s too loud!”

Cleaning Service
One of Nicholas’ five year-old friends was in my car for the first time. As I strapped him into his car seat, he looked at the car floor and said, “You know, you could clean this up.”
I was about to say, “You know, I could take you home.” But he was busy offering me his grandfather’s Shop-Vac®. Apparently, it would take an industrial strength vacuum to clean up that mess.

Parting Gifts
Chris (age 4): “Mommy, where’d you go?”

Me: “The dentist.”

Chris: “Did you get a surprise?”

Me: “Yeah. The bill.”

Non-Sequitors
Chris (age 4): “Mom, I’m hungry. I wanna make some puppets!”

Ups and Downs of Parenthood
One weekend, we trekked into New York City to visit the American Museum of Natural History. After spending $6 to cross the George Washington Bridge, $32 for parking, $23 for lunch and $38 for admission to see one of te world’s greatest collections of dinosaur fossils, I asked Chris, then 3, what his favorite part of the museum was.

He answered, “The elevator.”

Next time we’re going to the mall.

Computer Class
Our cat was sitting on my lap while I checked my e-mail.

Nicholas (age 3): “Mommy? Are you teaching him the computer?”

Erin Go Build
Chris’ friend Auston, 4, was over for a play date last week.

Me: “Auston, what’d you do in school today?”

Auston: “Sheetrocks.”

Me: “Sheetrock?”

Auston: “Yeah.”

Me: “Did you put an addition on the pre-school?”

Auston: (nods)

Me: “Auston, do you mean you made shamrocks?”

Auston (perturbed): “They’re SHEETrocks!”

Share, share, that’s fair: What funny things have your kids (or their friends) said? Tell us:

For years, MommaSaid ran a series called, “Just a Minute!” featuring stories of funny things kids do (and also, say). Here are some of the classics. Please share yours in the comments!

Naming Rights
Thanks to Angela Johnson of Mission Viejo, Calfornia, for this story:

Angela and her son Eli, 4, were visiting a snack bar at a baseball field. Eli asked the mom running the grill if he could have a hot dog. The mom studied the grill and said, “Sure Eli. There’s one right here with your
name on it.”

As Eli and Angela walked away, he slowly turned his hot dog around and around on the bun. Angela asked him what was wrong. He looked at me and whispered, “Mrs. Heppert gave me the wrong one. My name’s not on here!”

Uh Oh!
Thanks to Amanda Chase of Albuquerque, New Mexico, for this story:

When Amanda brought her premature newborn home from the hospital, her two-year-old daughter noticed how tiny he was, and started to count his fingers and toes.

Then she ran to her room to get her favorite baby doll, which she laid next to her tiny brother. She proceeded to compare the eyes, nose, mouth, etc., as if she were taking inventory of all his parts. When she got to his, uh, you know, she shouted, “Uh oh, Mommy!”

Better call the doctor, huh Amanda? He’s got an extra part! (more…)

Back in the day, I could make castles out of empty boxes.

Back in the day, I used to post funny stories on MommaSaid under the heading “Potties in Heaven,” a reference to the question my son asked me when he was in pre-school: “Are there potties in heaven?” (Answer: “Yes, and there are no lines at the ladies’ room.”) For your enjoyment, I am posting some of my old favorites:

Where is it?
During a playdate at our house, I sent the boys upstairs and the lone girl to the powder room to change out of their wet bathing suits. It didn’t take long before all three boys were running around naked upstairs, shouting something about pirates. I settled them down and persuaded them to get dressed when suddenly, the girl appeared at my side.

Me: “Where’s your bathing suit?”
Girl, 6: “I put it on the couch.”

Naturally.

A Wrinkle in Time
Nicholas: “When do you get prunes?”
Me: “To eat?”
Nicholas: “No. I mean on your face.”
Me: (Thinking. Thinking. Thinking.) “Oh! You mean wrinkles?”
Nicholas: “Yeah. When do you get them?”
Me: “When your kids start asking you questions you can’t answer.”

Copy Cats
I was driving my car when Nicholas and his playdate, Andrea, started copying what I was saying.
Me: “So, Andrea. How’s school?”
Nick and Andrea: “So, Andrea. How’s school?”
Me: “Oh, are you copying me?”
Kids: “Oh, are you copying me?”
Me: “I think I’ll clean my room tonight.”
Kids: “I think I’ll clean my room tonight.”
Me: “I sure love broccoli.”
Kids: “I sure love broccoli.”
Me: “I promise to stop using my sleeve as a tissue.”
Kids: “I promise to stop using my sleeve as a tissue.”
Me: “And to put my mom up in a luxury nursing home with handsome nurses when she gets old …”
Kids: “And to put my mom up in a luxurynursing home with handsome nurses when she gets old …”

Here, Nice Doggie
When Chris, 4, returned from a playdate, he told me his friend had two dogs.
Me: “What kind of dogs?”
Chris: “A mean dog and a nice one.”

Share, share, that’s fair: What are your kids’ Potties in Heaven stories?

I just got back from Kansas City last night, so while I play catch-up, I’m going to post this classic MommaSaid post about the time I dyed my hair red. Of course, back then I had no idea I’d end up bald in a few years and longing for red hair — any hair. But it’s still a fun one. At the end, please tell us your biggest hair salon mistake…

by Jen Singer

“You look like you need a guitar,” my brother told me when he spotted my newly dyed red hair. “And leather pants.”

My hair wasn’t that red. Not Johnny Rotten red. Not “Lucy, you got some ’splainin’ to do” red. But still quite different from my usual drab postpartum brown with blond highlights. And that was the point. I wanted to be somebody else – or at least look like somebody else – so I dyed my hair red for the first time. Soon, however, I’d realize it would be the last. (more…)

Enjoy these MommaSaid classics of “The Back Fence,” funny things that happen to Mom:

Food Review

Thanks to Kim Kreis of Fairfax Station, Virginia, for this story:
Kim and her family were visiting friends. Her friend had made a nice dinner of vegetarian burritios. They all sit down for dinner when her son, Greyson, 4, starts picking at his food.
Then he blurted out, “Mom, this is horrible food.”

Mortified, Kim yanked him up from the table, left the room and gave him the polite behavior lecture. Then she told him he had to go back in, eat his dinner
and apologize to Miss Sandy.

He sat back down at the table and said, “Miss Sandy, I am sorry the dinner is so horrible.”

Free Puppies

Thanks to Kelly Beauchemin of Putnam, Connecticut, for this story:
Luke, 4, has been asking for a puppy. While Kelly love puppies and dogs, she’s explained to him that they just don’t have the time to spend with a puppy right now, and they’re expensive.

One day, in the car, he said, “Mommy, I have a great idea. I’ll take some of the money that I’ve been saving and buy YOU a puppy. What kind of puppy would you like?”

Smooth, Luke.

Potty Training

Thanks to Stephanie Savoie of St. Paul, Minnesota, for this story:
After spending a long time reading in the bathroom, and an even longer time washing his hands, Stephanie couldn’t wait any more for her 4-year-old son, Jacob, to be done.
(She really had to go.)

Right after she sat down, Jacob, who was watching her in the mirror, said, “You should stand up when you pee, Mommy.” She started telling him that Mommies had to sit. He replied, “Daddy can show you how!”

Share your funny stories with us!

In honor of MommaSaid’s 7th birthday (and also because I’ll be in Kansas City, Kansas City, here I come), I’m posting some classic MommaSaid from the days before Twitter and Facebook. Enjoy.

We are pleased to offer our guide to making your life easier, providing calculated predictions and forecasts about your children’s behavior, from sunny to surly, and warm to wild. From its humble beginnings back in 1808, the Mom’s Almanac has been outfitting mothers with the kind of information they need to get through their days (and months) with children underfoot.

General Mothering Outlook for January 

1st-3rd: Unsettled, with gusty temper tantrums blowing in just when you thought you were going to make it through that fancy gift shop – the one with the disapproving old ladies staring you down.

4th-7th: Mild and quiet, until you discover that the kids have been busy finger-painting your white cat orange, “just like Garfield, Mommy!”

8th-12th: Pleasant, especially after your little one rediscovers her dollhouse, playing with it long enough for you not only to shower, but even to condition your hair – for the first time since the 20th century.

14th-15th: Hot, when your mom takes the kids for the weekend, giving you and Hubby much needed time alone without someone in feety pajamas sleeping between you.

16th-19th: Mostly fair, except for the part where your kids get to nap, one after the other, while you struggle to stay awake until dinnertime.

20th-21st: Mixed, when somebody wants dessert but doesn’t want to eat her carrots first, followed by clearing, when you realize there are carrots in the cake, anyhow.

22nd: Changeable, because the child you call “Private Poopy Pants” will be very, very uh, productive, during your niece’s piano recital.

23rd-25th: Unseasonably mild, largely because Junior will be sucking up to you for that talking toy – the one with 236 pieces – that he wants for his birthday.

26th-28th: Unsettled, as the stomach flu rips through the house, starting with the baby and moving through the family to you – just in time for everyone else to relapse.

29th-31st: Tranquil, because everyone will finally be sleeping through the night, including you, the new puppy (What were you thinking?) and the offspring in the feety PJ’s next to you.